Love and loss two things guaranteed in this life. Loss is the biggest price we as humans we will pay for love and in my experience the harder, we love the harder the loss will feel.
My earliest memory of loosing a pet was when our families Great Dane Ellie passed away when she was 10. Thinking back to that time I remember my parents carefully telling my twin sister and myself that Ellie had passed away, they gave us fairy trinket and to this day I look at that trinket and think of her. Even at 11 years old I don’t think we fully knew the gravity of such a loss. But this was the first time I ever remember encountering losing something I loved.
I think as humans its so important to never judge anyone especially when it comes to grief, we all experience and feel it differently so what will work for one person may not work for you and that’s okay. Just remember to feel what you need to and don’t apologies or feel bad for your feelings as I know from experience, they don’t always make sense.
In August we suddenly lost our families Great Dane Duke at the very young age of 5. It was so incredibly unexpected he was so young and just that week had gone to the vet for a mouth ulcer and after having his medication for a few days his ulcer was started to go down, the vet even listened to his heart at the appointment and said everything sounded good, he was healthy.
My mum woke me early on Sunday 11th of august and told me our sweet boy duke had passed away in the early hours, it appeared Duke’s heart had given up on him. His recent behaviour made sense, he wanted to be on his own under the stars, I think he knew it was his time. All our dogs sleep upstairs with us and the night before duke passed, he wouldn’t settle and kept sicking up clear liquid, duke waited for my mum to come home and to say his goodbye to her, he was very much her favourite a feeling I know duke reciprocated. Thinking about this makes my heart break all over again and the guilt that I feel when I think of him is ever present.
I feel guilty because the night before Duke passed I was so wrapped up in my own stress that I quickly gave him his bedtime biscuit and his ear a brief stroke before going about my business , little did I know that this would be the last time I would properly interact with Duke, I remember then seeing him go down the stairs as my mum was letting him into the garden , I didn’t know this would be the last time. I feel so guilty that in our final moments together I didn’t show him the love he so much deserved, even thought my parents and twin sister tell me that for the last five years I showed him how much I loved him all I can think was that in those moments he didn’t feel my love for him the way I wanted him to.
The first week after loss I think is especially the hardest, after duke I felt hollow and empty. I felt I was coasting through life the memories were everywhere, everyday things reminded me of him and then the realisation he was gone would hit like a tone of bricks. The biggest thing I felt was accepting he was gone as it was so unexpected and sudden, I just couldn’t believe he was gone.
Seeing those who I love in such pain after Duke passed absolutely broke my heart, even though I felt the same as them I just felt so hopeless, I wanted to make it stop hurting for them.
Even in the highs of grief we had to keep going, life didn’t stop because of our loss. Our other four dogs needed us. Duke left behind his sister Duchess from his litter and seeing her be so sad broke my heart as I could see how much she missed him. He also left behind Robyn my German shepherd who I co-own with my twin sister, seeing her also miss Duke absolutely broke my heart as I could see the sadness in her eyes. Robyn took on the responsibility of raising Tino our 6-month-old puppy at the time was beautiful but also painful to see, in her loss she became Tinos teacher something Duke was to Tino.
Then there was our sweet boy Adonis a 5 year old Great Dane x bloodhound , Tinos dad and our rescue who we welcomed into our family in June a few weeks after Tino settled into our family.
Adonis wasn’t in a great way when we rescued him and honestly that first day had me so worried his breathing did not sound good and with the hot weather in June, we were worried he wouldn’t make it through the night even with fans. We quickly made an appointment with our vet and soon began getting answers.
We found out that Adonis had Leishmaniasis, heart worm and tick fever due to his 5 years of neglect, Adonis had been kept previously for purely breeding purposes.
Adonis began responding to treatment and for a time there we would all forget he had these three major diseases because he was happy, thriving , occasionally running around and playing with the other dogs and quite frankly living his best life. One thing that made all this possible was his amazing treatment plan our vet drew up for him, with one of his medications being steroids which he took for a few months to help him fight the heart worm.
But after Adonis’s steroid treatment came to an end we saw him slow down and he became our resident old man. It was wholesome see him be a bit of a puppy in those months on the steroids and now he was taking life slowly, it was like experiencing five years with Adonis in months. But in late October Adonis started to appear unlike himself his eating became irregular, we changed his diet and he ate at least one meal a day for the most part, he was previously eating two generous meals a day. Adonis had a vet appointment scheduled to hopefully discuss what we could do in terms of him irregular eating and see what we could do to help him.
But sadly, the closer the appointment came it became apparent that we wouldn’t be going there to discuss a different diet. My Mum and my twin sister and I sadly had to discuss putting Adonis to sleep as his body was shutting down. The week before he wasn’t his usual self, the closer the appointment came the more Adonis was distant, a lot more sleepy and eating only a handful of food. He just looked so unhappy, he wasn’t the dog we had come to know and love. So on the 11th of November Adonis was put to sleep surrounded by my mum, my twin sister and myself.
3 months to the day we lost Duke, and we were encountering grief for the second time and honestly, I feel this time it felt so much worse. We always knew from the moment we rescued Adonis that time wasn’t going to be on our side considering his illnesses but almost 4 months together didn’t feel like long enough.
Dealing with the loss of Adonis hit me harder than before and for one particular reason was we were unable to tell our dad about the loss of Adonis because our dad is a long-distance lorry driver a job that requires a clear head and a lot of concentration so we weren’t able to tell anyone about losing Adonis in fear they might accidently tell our dad. The week up until our dad was home felt so long, I knew this news would destroy my dad like it was us. Like Duke was to my mum that’s what Adonis was like with my dad he was the first person Adonis saw when they went to pick him up to bring him home so for that reason I knew the news of losing Adonis would absolutely break my dad’s heart.
I also felt very anxious about my dad learning of Adonis’s death because not only did we have to make this decision without him we also had to keep it from him, I know my dad would understand why we had to make this decision without him and why we couldn’t tell him but keeping it from him was killing me and I think that’s why this loss mixed with our delayed grief took me to an incredibly dark place. Our dad understood and completely agreed with our decision as the dog he remembered when he left for work and the dog that was slipping away from us were worlds apart.
Everything felt rather dark for a time there after Adonis’s death, I felt incredibly angry that we didn’t have long enough , that someone could treat him so badly , I felt like nothing mattered anymore , I just felt so angry and empty all the time. My twin sister was so good to me in those dark days and without her the darkness would have been a lot worse, one thing I had to do was take everyday as it came and to feel those emotions and to not be harsh on myself for how I felt.
Having Adonis put to sleep reminded me of having to make the same decision for our almost 7 year old German Shepherd Macca nearly 10 years ago. It was a decision that my twin sister and I had to make as he was bought for us when I was diagnosed with absence epilepsy at around 7 years old, I remember clearly at the time our mum said it had to be our decision. As a young teenager this felt like such a big responsibility and one thing that was clear to us was that we didn’t want him to suffer or be remembered as aggressive or anything that he wasn’t, because his brain tumour would ultimately change our easy-going teddy bear of a dog into something so far from who he was.
Loss looks different for everyone, it’s something that never gets any easier. Loosing pets who become your family whether you get the joy of years or months with them is so heart-breaking but something I felt comfort in was that for the time I got to have them in my life they felt nothing but love and the memories we make with them will bring some comfort in the time after such a loss.
I want to thank Ellie, Macca, Duke and Adonis for all the love and memories we got to make together, they showed me from a young age what grief was and that animals really are best friends for life even when the cross the rainbow bridge.
I want to apologies for such a long post and for rambling but I felt in my heart I needed to write this post explaining my absence and hopefully help someone going through loss. I’m so sorry you are going through this and know that it will get easier.